“I would love to be wrong, but I don’t live with the right people for that.”
I laughed out loud when I first heard that line in a sit-com a few years ago (Claire Dunphy, Modern Family, Season 3)! It’s a phrase that I, and I am sure many have used in one form or another. It’s ok, you can admit it, too!
Taking the “I am right, and you are wrong” approach is one of the biggest pitfalls we experience when it comes to conflict resolution.
That voice in your head when you are mid-argument that just feels so good. And why wouldn’t it – you're smart. You're informed. You’ve been right about many other things.
But here’s the thing: charging into every conversation like you’re the final word in human wisdom is basically the conversational equivalent of bigfooting. There's no room left for the other person to exist, let alone talk.
When your goal is to win the conversation instead of building understanding with the other person, you lose. Even if you technically "win" the argument (oh, the irony). Rather than treating disagreements with the view to conquer (a ‘me-versus-them' mindset), we can engage with the intent to figure it out together (an ‘us-versus-the-problem' approach). We can change that voice in our heads when we find ourselves mid-argument instead of mid-discourse.
Four Ways to Shift from “Winning” to “Working Together”
With a sprinkle of humility, there is another way to approach future conversations:
1. Change your goal.
Ditch “being right” like you ditched last season’s TikTok trend. Your new mission? Finding a solution that works for everyone.
2. Challenge your own brilliance.
Ask yourself:
- Am I clinging to this viewpoint because it’s genuinely solid… or just because I’m emotionally attached to sounding smart?
- Would I feel differently if I had more info, fewer assumptions, or slightly less caffeine?
3. Truly listen.
Listen with your ears and your brain. Ask real, active listening questions. Channel a curious three-year-old. Channel therapy. Channel someone whose mouth isn’t always moving. Take the time to really engage; to hear what you need to hear before you share what you need to share.
4. Work towards a mutually acceptable outcome - whatever it is.
Maybe you still disagree on some things or hold different viewpoints. That’s ok.
Maybe they’re also right. Also, ok. It happens all the time.
Maybe you both had valid points that needed to be shared and can merge ideas like creative geniuses in a way that meets both of your needs. The possibilities are endless.
The Superpower of Humility
The best part is that being open-minded doesn’t make you weak. It can be your super-power in a world full of people yelling into the void of their own opinions. Listening builds trust. Trust builds relationships. Relationships build empires. And empires fall if they run on smugness.
When You Feel Yourself Clenching Up
So, the next time you feel yourself clenching up in a conversation like you’re prepping for battle, pause. Breathe. And maybe, just maybe, be quiet for a minute. Just because we have big brains, does not mean our egos have to be, too.
As you can imagine, this takes practice and conscious effort. I am trained in this and even teach it, and yet I find opportunities every day to call myself out this listening pitfall! Especially at times when I am hungry, stressed, tired (who isn’t?), overwhelmed or on particularly hot, sunny days.
Want to Learn More?
Training is one way to get started. Imagine developing the skills and confidence that allow you to look forward to problems at work, to see them as opportunities to push your creative juices and build team cohesiveness and collaboration. You may just become even more engaging and respected and who doesn’t want that?
If you want to learn more about becoming a skilled, active listener, have a look at our workshops at ResolutionGroup.ca.