Have you ever been in a conversation and realized you didn’t really hear what the other person said because you were too busy drafting a comeback in your head?
It happened to me the other day. I was talking with my husband and suddenly realized I wasn’t listening; I was arguing. I took a breath and said, “Hang on. I got a little anxious there and didn’t really hear you. Can you say that again?”
It happens now and then. I find myself putting my case together, trying to defend my point, and then realize I’ve slipped into defense mode instead of dialogue.
One of the toughest concepts I teach in conflict resolution is to turn off that voice inside our heads and totally tune in to what the other person is saying. As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”.
Actually, it’s not that hard to teach. It’s just hard to do. Why? Because it requires trust - trusting that we’re going to get our turn once the other person is feeling heard.
So many of us flip it. We push to be heard first, to prove our point, to win the argument - without ever taking in the other person’s perspective. But here’s the truth: listening is not about agreeing or giving in. It is about trying to fully understand what someone is trying to communicate.
Listening for the Whole Message
Notice I didn’t say “understand what they’re saying”? Because communication is more than words.
Whole listening means tuning in to:
- Words – what they’re literally saying.
- Tone of voice – how they’re saying it.
- Body language – what their posture, face, or gestures reveal.
- Congruence – whether their words match their tone and body language.
When we listen this way, we’re not just hearing. We’re observing, we’re analysing and we’re looking for the complete message. And through nods, questions, and simple responses like “tell me more,” we actively encourage them to keep sharing.
That’s part of what makes it active listening, not just passively waiting for your turn to talk.
Why Aren’t We Always in Listening Mode?
The truth is, deep listening takes energy. This “detective mode” of tuning in to someone’s words, tone, and body language can feel exhausting at first. But like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Think about:
- A counselor helping a client through a tough moment.
- A top salesperson building trust with a potential buyer.
- A manager chairing a meeting where everyone feels heard.
Each of these roles requires strong listening skills. And each one shows that anyone can become a skilled listener.
So why did I - someone who teaches communication skills - find myself arguing instead of communicating?
Because I’m human. Just like you.
Even skilled listeners fall into defense mode, especially when emotions get involved. The trick isn’t to be perfect. The trick is to notice when you’ve slipped, then reset and choose to truly listen. Deeply listen.
Bottom Line
It’s hard to listen when you’re talking to yourself. But if you can quiet your inner voice long enough to fully hear someone else, you’ll discover:
- Conflicts de-escalate faster.
- People open up more easily.
- Conversations move toward solutions instead of stalemates.
Skillful listening is about intention, changing our focus to curiosity and the pursuit of understanding. Of course, it also requires active listening skills like questioning, empathising and reflecting. But is starts with intention.
The more we practice, the more natural it becomes. And the less we argue - whether with our partners, coworkers, or anyone else.
Want to Learn More?
If you want to learn more about becoming a skilled, active listener, have a look at our Listening to Understand workshop at ResolutionGroup.ca.