Have you ever been in an airport when a flight delay is announced and at least one traveller jumps up in terror? They rush up to the gate agent to find another way to make their connecting flight, the agitation in their voice building. You just know they are on the edge of losing their mind and you are hoping the gate agent will say something helpful, something reassuring to comfort the traveller. You stare in horror as you hear
“Sir, please just calm down.”
Noooo! That NEVER works!
I’ve worked with enough people in conflict to know that telling someone to calm down is a one-way ticket to escalation. Sure enough, “Sir” (let’s call him Joe) gets louder, the gate agent loses their smile and the tension thickens.
So why does this happen? Why does a sentence that sounds reasonable (“Please calm down”) go so sideways? And more importantly, what could we do instead?
When a Delay Feels Like Danger
Here’s what we can’t see when someone like Joe is mid-meltdown. He’s not just angry. He’s afraid.
Maybe he’s on his way to an important business meeting that could change his career. Or flying to catch a cruise that will leave with or without him. Maybe he promised his child he’d be home for their first day of school and now it’s slipping away.
From the outside, it looks like he’s overreacting but inside, his body is sounding the alarm: This is a threat. Do something now!
Joe’s stress response - fight, flight, or freeze - has kicked in. And in that moment, his ability to calmly problem-solve is … offline.
The Thought-Feeling-Action Loop
In the world of cognitive behavioural theory, our thoughts influence our feelings, which influence our behaviours. Let’s break it down:
The Event: A flight is delayed.
The Thought: “I’m going to miss something really important.”
The Feeling: Panic, fear, frustration.
The Behaviour: Rush the counter, raise your voice, try to get the gate agent’s attention.
Here’s where it gets worse. The gate agent’s response (“Please calm down”) becomes a reinforcing event for Joe. He thinks, “They don’t care,” which triggers more fear and frustration. So, what does Joe do to help the gate agent understand? He raises his voice even more and maybe throws in a few choice words as well. You know where this is going.
Joe’s angry behaviour becomes the gate agent’s event and their thought, “What a jerk,” causes them to respond with a snippy remark - and the two of them are now entwined in an upward spiral of anger.
Conflict 101: Each person’s reaction becomes the other person’s event. And around and around they go.
What Could Joe Do Instead?
Here’s where some self-defusing tools come in handy. Whether you’re Joe, the gate agent, or just someone trying not to lose it in a tense moment, these tips can help.
1. Know Your Early Warning Signs
Clenched stomach? Clamped jaw? Scrunched neck and shoulders?
These are your body’s signal that you’re on the edge. Catching it early gives you a better shot at turning the volume down. Pay attention the next time you are getting angry or stressed and notice where in your body you feel it first. This is your signal to start defusing yourself.
2. Acknowledge the Emotions
Instead of stuffing it down, name it to tame it: “I’m really anxious about missing this connection.”
That moment of recognition helps calm your system. Emotions don’t like being ignored.
3. Talk to Yourself (Nicely)
Try something like, “Getting worked up won’t help me think clearly. I can handle this.” By using calming self-talk, the behaviour, we change our thoughts, which changes our feelings. You are telling your brain that you are ok, that you don’t need to escalate. Sure, it takes practice, but the benefits of staying calm and in control are worth it.
Self-talk is powerful. The brain listens.
4. Relax Your Face and Body
Unclench your jaw. Drop your shoulders. Assume an open, relaxed posture. Your nervous system picks up on these cues.
5. Take a Breath
Yes, the advice is old, but it works. How? There is a strong connection between how we feel and how we breathe. Science News Today explains how slow, deep breathing activates our parasympathetic nervous system to lower heart rate, relax muscles, reduce stress hormones and send signals of safety to the brain.
Deep breathing for emotional regulation comes in many forms, like the inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4 of box breathing. The best method is the one you’ll actually use. And don’t forget to practice. You want to be able to drop easily into a familiar breathing technique, not try to remember one in the middle of a meltdown.
And if You're the Gate Agent ...
Okay, maybe not literally. But if you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s outburst, here are a few more tools that apply just as well in a workplace or team meeting:
6. Offer Everyday Empathy
People want to be heard and understood. A bit of empathy goes a long way.
“Your cruise leaves tomorrow? No wonder you’re stressed!”
It’s not complicated. Just human nature.
7. Get Curious
Trying to offer advice or support before knowing the real concern can be inefficient and off-putting. Instead of jumping in with solutions, start with simple questions like “What’s your biggest concern right now?”
You might uncover a need you can actually do something about.
8. Normalize the Reaction
Help them save face by letting them know they aren’t alone in their reactions.
“Lots of people worry when they hear their flight is delayed. Let’s see what we can do.”
People calm down faster when they don’t feel shamed or judged.
Bottom line
Whether it’s airports, boardrooms, or kitchen tables, big emotions can hijack our thinking and send us into reaction mode. The more we understand how stress responses work and the more we practice calming ourselves and others, the more likely we are to avoid unnecessary blow-ups and find real solutions.
If you want to learn more about defusing upset people, including yourself, have a look at our De-escalation Skills workshop at ResolutionGroup.ca.
About Judith
I have been helping people navigate through conflict for over 2 decades. I love watching peole gain new skills and confidence and learn simple, practical ways to manage difficult situations.